YOU CAN'T RETURN CHILDREN

[Verse]    

Well your friends were posting pictures  

of their lovely new mansion  

with a pool and some hobbies  

for their kids to take up.  

But you were twenty-five  

and your sweetheart was ready  

so you decided to try  

your best to catch up.  

  

[Chorus]    

Well I'm sorry sir,  

but you can't return children.  

“All sales are final,”  

the sign clearly states.    

Now you see that your friends  

were a long time a-bluffing,  

and there was no reason  

for playing that game.  

  

[Verse]

You thought that you both  

would make the cutest baby.  

Maybe it would become a model   

and earn you some cash.    

But your wife hadn't planned   

on giving up tobacco,   

now your kid's picture   

is on non-smoking ads.  

  

[Chorus]

Well I'm sorry sir,  

but you can't return children. 

“All sales are final,”  

the sign clearly states.    

I see that you dressed them  

in that hospital fashion,  

but you should have known better  

maybe next time you'll wait.  

[Verse]  

Now no one wants to die  

all by their lonesome.  

You need some kids around  

to comfort your soul.     

But this family I know,  

and I'm sure there are others,  

has their lawyers fightin’  

while their parents grow cold.  

  

[Chorus]

Well I'm sorry sir,  

but you can't return children. 

“All sales are final,”  

the sign clearly states.    

You reckoned a family   

would sit quietly with you.  

But they're busy bargaining  

and you can't send them away.  

  

[Verse]

Well you had a baby girl

but she was too fat.

You had a baby boy

and he was too thin.  

You had too many babies

and they wouldn't let you return ‘em

even though you kept their papers

and the boxes they came in.

  

[Chorus]  

Well I'm sorry dear sir,  

but you can't return children. 

“All sales are final,”  

the sign clearly states.    

Well I see that you brought  

the bill from the hospital,  

but they are yours forever  

and you can't give ‘em away.