
YOU CAN'T RETURN CHILDREN
[Verse]
Well your friends were posting pictures
of their lovely new mansion
with a pool and some hobbies
for their kids to take up.
But you were twenty-five
and your sweetheart was ready
so you decided to try
your best to catch up.
[Chorus]
Well I'm sorry sir,
but you can't return children.
“All sales are final,”
the sign clearly states.
Now you see that your friends
were a long time a-bluffing,
and there was no reason
for playing that game.
[Verse]
You thought that you both
would make the cutest baby.
Maybe it would become a model
and earn you some cash.
But your wife hadn't planned
on giving up tobacco,
now your kid's picture
is on non-smoking ads.
[Chorus]
Well I'm sorry sir,
but you can't return children.
“All sales are final,”
the sign clearly states.
I see that you dressed them
in that hospital fashion,
but you should have known better
maybe next time you'll wait.
​
[Verse]
Now no one wants to die
all by their lonesome.
You need some kids around
to comfort your soul.
But this family I know,
and I'm sure there are others,
has their lawyers fightin’
while their parents grow cold.
[Chorus]
Well I'm sorry sir,
but you can't return children.
“All sales are final,”
the sign clearly states.
You reckoned a family
would sit quietly with you.
But they're busy bargaining
and you can't send them away.
[Verse]
Well you had a baby girl
but she was too fat.
You had a baby boy
and he was too thin.
You had too many babies
and they wouldn't let you return ‘em
even though you kept their papers
and the boxes they came in.
[Chorus]
Well I'm sorry dear sir,
but you can't return children.
“All sales are final,”
the sign clearly states.
Well I see that you brought
the bill from the hospital,
but they are yours forever
and you can't give ‘em away.